July 17, 2014

You Get What You Need

This week has run a little differently at my house...

I'm down by half of my kids.  It is so completely strange and different.  And lovely.

There are two types of personalities that my kids have.  I have two that are so outgoing and never meet a stranger and could talk all the live long day to anyone who would listen and two that are shrinking violets who get nervous around new people and experiences and who need massive amounts of quiet to function.  I live somewhere in the middle.  I really love the quiet, but I also love people and hearing their stories and just doing life in community with others.  But the way we've "done summer" so far really only catered to the two who are outgoing and enjoy chaos.  

Scarlett and Miles go full throttle all the time.  They don't like to sleep at night.  I find them wandering around, lights on, beds full of toys many times during the night.  They pop out of bed in the morning ready to tackle the world.  And by tackle the world, I mean meet and greet the whole world.  It's almost like a cartoon where everyone throws the windows open and greets all the people in the streets.  That's Scarlett and Miles.  They bound down the stairs in the morning and say things like "Let's go take the dog on a RUN and then jump on the trampoline (at 6:30am)!!!!" If Scarlett sees the same woman at Walmart twice she will say, "There's my friend!  I need to go and say hi to her!"  And I will say something like, "Baby, that woman is 75 years old and screaming at her grandchildren and buying all the toilet paper in the free world and we don't know her."  It's both a good quality (if you want to be, say, a politician or a preacher) and a bad quality (if you don't want to be abducted by strangers.)  Miles will high five anyone he meets and then sit down and swap life stories.  He's going to make a hell of a journalist, that boy.  Those two are uncomfortable in the silence.  They need structure to the nth degree.  And chaos- but structured chaos.  They need transient relationships.  They are who you want next to you in the face of an emergency because they are always ready to jump into action.  They need activity.  THEY NEED TO GO 100 MPH ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY or they get bored and antsy and pretty much pull the paint off the walls in an effort to find some sort of stimulation.  That, or they fight.  

Fighting is not my M. O.  and so I have filled summer to the brim. Truly, to the freaking brim.  There has been swim team and piano lessons and appointments and running here and there and everywhere.  Scarlett and Miles lurve it.  Sadie and Noah, not so much.  They are exhausted.  Sadie, who could sleep til noon everyday wakes up saying, "They are just so loud." And then sometimes she'd just burst into tears because some of us aren't built for noise.  Noah would sometimes look at me and say, "Mom, can we just have a day off to snuggle?" I would think, "Hmmmm... I'd like to snuggle, but if we stop, disaster will surely strike!" Those two are the "quiet mice."  The deep thinkers.  The ones who could sit in their beds all day long reading a book and talking quietly to each other.  It borders almost on laziness, but they just need a lot of sleep and a lot of down time.  They are the ones who introduce themselves at camp as, "My name is Sadie and I have social anxiety." We are all just wired differently. 

We were following the laws of averages, half being content at the warp speed of summer and the other half longing for a break.  I felt a lot little ragged trying to keep everyone happy.  I find that's one of the hardest parts about being a mother... trying to nurture and love all the little differences in their personalities... especially when what makes them all tick seems to really be at odds with one another.  After 6 weeks of being so lopsided to catering to the ones who need to go all the time, I had a little breakdown where I felt so tired and felt so bad at not giving my other kids what they need to function as well.  When mama gets out of whack, there is no hope for anyone.  I started feeling defeated.  I broke it all the way down.  The kind of breakdown that makes you think for just a fleeting moment, "I wonder how long it would take me to just get in the car and drive to Mexico?"  Really, let's be honest.  When there's more than one kid, it just feels hard to meet all the needs.  So, last week, I tried to slow down this train so that I didn't need to take the train to Mexico.  The ones who need the structured chaos like they need air could not handle the stillness and so the behaviors that went down in this house are the kind of crap you see on made for TV movies about possessed children.  There was not enough coffee, Jesus, or Zoloft in all the world.  I went to the The Google and thought about typing "Boarding School" but instead typed "day camp".

A place in our town did day camp.  It was affordable. It was ALL DAY LONG.  It was fear factor themed and there was going to be swimming and eating worms and canoeing and running and being with so many NEW PEOPLE TO BECOME FRIENDS WITH!  I didn't hesitate.  I announced this to all the kids, "Who wants to go to day camp!?!?!?!" True to their personalities, Miles' and Scarlett's hands shot up so fast it made my head spin.  Sadie and Noah looked at me and Sadie became the spokesperson, "That sounds like it would make us nervous."  So we divided and conquered.  Two would go to camp.  They would get everything their little adventurous hearts could ever desire.  Two would stay home.  They would get everything their little introverted hearts could ever desire.  EVERYONE GOT EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEEDED.  And yet, I couldn't help but feel major guilt that I couldn't be the one to give everyone exactly what they needed all at the same times.  Which is completely stupid because everyone would be perfectly happy doing their own thing (Some at camp, some at home) and it didn't matter if it was me giving it to them as long as they got it.  On Sunday night, the excitement of the upcoming divide and conquer week was palpable.  Sadie and Noah had planned our Monday with all the things the other kids didn't like to do.  Scarlett and Miles packed their water bottles and bathing suits for camp and declared that it was going to be the best day ever. 

And it was.  By noon on Monday, I felt relaxed for the first time all summer.  It no longer mattered that I couldn't be everything each one of my children needed simultaneously.  They were all blissfully happy.  One Monday, I took Sadie and Noah out for a day of their favorites: stir-fry for lunch, a long relaxing trip to the bookstore, and then we capped it off with a scary movie since Scarlett and Miles hate scary stuff.  Then on Tuesday, we stayed in our pajamas for the entire day.  When I say the entire day, I really mean it.  No one put clothes on all day.  We read our new books.  We snuggled.  We took long baths and had long uninterrupted conversations.  On Wednesday we went to the museum and stopped and read all of the signs since no one was there running from exhibit to exhibit to stop us.  

When we all convene for dinner together in the evenings, it is so fun to hear the kids talk about their days.  The campers are all fired up for all the go go going they've been doing.  They come home with dirty clothes in a sack and ketchup in their hair and stories of new people they've been meeting.  While none of those things appeal to the others, it's awesome to see them all be genuinely happy for each other's experiences.  Watching each one of my kids be in their element has helped me find the balance I was so desperately searching for.  It feels like a weight has been lifted off of me.  I feel like I can make it to the start of school in 26 days.

They say that money can't buy happiness.  But money can buy day camp and so far I think those two are the same thing.
Cutest. Campers. Ever.

Freedom.


July 06, 2014

Happy 6th Birthday, Miles!

Dearest Sweet Little Miles,

OH BABY!  You are not a baby anymore.  Last week you turned 6 on Independence Day.  Noah will still declare that his Halloween birthdate is the best day to be born on, but I think being a little firework baby suits you just perfectly.  You are just that little spark... that little something extra that bursts forth in the darkness and leaves people in awe.  

One of my favorite pictures of you from your 2nd birthday party

This year was a year of big changes for you.  You started kindergarten! *sniff sniff* I didn't think you were ready.  You are still just a tiny little guy and all those other kinder critters just seemed to tower over you.  I worried that emotionally, kindergarten was going to chew you up and spit you out.  I worried that you wouldn't be able to keep up because kindergarten has changed a lot since I was in it.  Then, we did recess and colored.  Now, if you can't read by the end of kindergarten, you are behind.  That scared me for you.  You see, you qualified for preschool years ago because you tested across the bottom of your same aged peers.  You got some labels slapped on and a slew of interventions.  We braced ourselves for how difficult school would be.  We've sat through a ton of IEP meetings.  And through it all... you kept doing your thing.  You kept working, you kept learning, you kept moving at your own "Miles is too cool for school" pace.  And then this year in kindergarten you exploded.  Things started clicking.  You started making connections.  You started writing and reading!  You started realizing that 8 or 4 or 6 weren't just arbitrary words!  Word on the street is that next year you won't qualify for services or need an IEP.  MILES!  You went from the bottom 7% to all caught up.  It blows my mind.  And yet- it shouldn't.  All your life you've been defying odds.  You've always set your own path and done things in your own time.  You'd think by now I'd learn to just sit back and stop worrying about you because YOU'VE GOT THIS.


A few of my favorite stories from school this year... I was told at a meeting that you were having trouble figure out what more and less meant.  One of your teachers said she finally broke it down to you like this, "If your mom was going to give you 4 pieces of candy or 8 pieces of candy which one would you rather have?"  And of course, your answer was, "Well, my favorite number is 4, so I pick 4."  And so we learned that you totally know more and most but that you always picked what number of the two was your favorite.  I am so grateful for the teachers in your life that take the time to get you.  The other thing about school is that you never stopped talking.  I can't even count how many times your work came home with a note that said, "Finish at home.  Miles was talking during work time."  By the end of the year you had "I'm sorry for talking, Mrs. Owens" completely memorized for your apology notes on those papers.  Your teacher and I had many a giggle that you were the class politician and everyone just always wanted to talk to you and be your friend.  Everyone in your whole school knows you.  I can't walk in there with you without a herd of kids coming up just to be in your presence.  It's hilarious, but there is just something about you, Miles Terry.  But my favorite story from school is when a big group of 4th grade girls saw you in the hall and called out to you and you waved your hand in one big giant dramatic circle from one side of your body to the other and said, "HEEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOO LADIES" all slow and sweet and like a total Casanova.  We've known all along that you are just Mr. Personality and there is nothing anyone can do (or would want to do) to reign that in.

Shortly after school started, Scarlett came into our family.  The instant relationship the two of you had truly felt miraculous.  You could reach her when no one else could.  You all developed this simpatico within minutes that transcended the adjustment all the rest of us went through.  You both marveled at having someone else that looked like you in the family.  I am so grateful for that connection that you have.  It often gets you both into a lot of trouble because DEAR GOD YOU EMBOLDEN one another.  But you also love each other fiercely and deeply and seeing you together makes me believe that there are still forces of good in the world who can bring such redemption to both your lives by giving you each other. I listen to you both reconcile your pasts and I whisper up silent prayers of thanksgiving that you have each other as you navigate what it means and feels like to be adopted together.

This year, I saw something shift in you.  You are becoming so sensitive.  I'm watching you use that sensitivity in the most amazing ways.  You are turning it into empathy.  Miles, a couple of weeks ago, I watched you give a high five to a homeless man and then tug on my arm to make sure that we gave him some money.  I see you befriend people who might not have friends.  I see you walk up to people in the assisted living facility and give hugs and a "How you doin' ma'am" to people who desperately want to be seen.  And you do every bit of this without prompting.  I watch it come right from your heart.  You have such a beautiful heart.  I'm so incredibly proud to be able to witness you becoming such a champion for people.

Miles, I wish I could describe how much we love you.  If I had a nickel for every time your daddy said, "Man, he's just such a neat kid," I'd be a rich woman.  Your dad loves you like crazy cakes and he just gets this sweet little grin while he watches you.  A few months ago you had your tonsils taken out and some corrective surgery on your ears.  You didn't get out of my lap for a solid week.  If I went to the bathroom, you followed me.  So many times while you were laying on top of me while we watched Planes for the 306th time a tear would pop into my eye remembering how not too many years ago, you didn't want anything to do with me.  Thank you for letting me be a source of love and comfort to you now.  It's not lost on me how far we've come.  I'm crying now just thinking about it.  You have such a capacity for love.  Everyone that meets you loves you instantly.  I'm so grateful that I get to be your mom.

You are a busy little man.  This last year you played on a baseball team and joined the swim team.  You moved into a new house, started at a new school, went on a few vacations.  You spend your days playing with your bestie, Davis, who luckily moved in down the street a few months ago.  You spend hours jumping on the trampoline and soaking things and people with the water hose.  You run like the wind blows and you never seem to get tired.  Ever.   You learned how to ride your bike without training wheels and now you can zoom anywhere you want to go.


You play round after round of UNO with Noah and you let Sadie baby you any time you can. And, of course, there is no end to the mischief you and Scarlett get into. You lost your first tooth!  You weigh 35 pounds and wear size 4T clothes.  You've been growing your dreadlocks out from almost two years and you are kind of known for them in our circle of friends.  They suit your spunky little personality just perfectly. You are surrounded by a family who loves you to the point of insanity.

You are a ray of light and sunshine to everyone around you.  We love you so much and can't wait to see what the next year holds for you.

I love you!
Mommy

***Every year, I give my kids a little interview on their birthdays. I hope that it will be a great way for me to look back and see glimpses of who they were at every stage of life and see how they change over the years.  (For previous years, click on 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010)

Me: If a genie could grant you one wish what would it be?
Miles: Ummm, I don't know.  I guess police officer.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Miles: dentist

Me: Do you want to get married when you grow up?
Miles: yes
Me:  To who?
Miles:  I don't even know what her names gonna be.
Me: Do you want to have children?
Miles: yes
Me: How many?
Miles: three. One girl and two boys.

Me: Do you feel different now that you are six?
Miles:  Yes. It feels different that I can ride my new bike.

Me: What is your favorite color and why?
Miles: Green cause lots of things are colored green.

Me: Who is your best friend and why do you like them?
Miles: Davis cause he plays with me a lot and he ummm, lets me in his room.

Me: Now that you are six, do you think you'll get a girlfriend?
Miles:  NO!

Me: What is your favorite TV show?
Miles: Planes

Me: What do you like most about school?
Miles: Lunch because I get dessert.

Me: What is your favorite thing about yourself?
Miles:  That I love people.
*** That's my favorite thing about him, too!***

Me: What is your favorite song?
Miles:  Nothing can stop me from Planes

Me: If you could have any super power what would it be?
Miles:  I would be thinking so smart.

Me: What is your very favorite thing to do?
Miles:  Play with other kids who don't have other friends.

Me: What are you most afraid of?
Miles:  Lightening.

Me: What is your favorite thing about Mommy?
Miles:  That I love her.

Me: What is your favorite thing about Daddy?
Miles:  That he works so hard for me.

Me:  Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Miles:  You make it up.

Your Current Favorites:
Food:  cheeseburgers
Book: Mater and the Ghostlight
Ice Cream: Vanilla



A look back at the last year of Miles' life

Hawaii July 2013

The joy of being a brother to sisters July 2013

Handsomest Man on the Block- July 2013

August 2013

Scarlett's First Week Home August 2013

First Day of Kindergarten! August 7, 2013

September 2013

October 2013

October 2013

October 2013

Being Luigi- Halloween 2013

November 2013

Enlisting Daddy to help with dreadlock maintenance.  December 2013

 January 2014

February 2014

February 2014

Flexin' March 2014

Easter Sunday April 2013

Saint Louis, April 2014

City Museum, St. Louis April 2014

Ice Skating!  April 2014

First Lost Tooth May 2014

Still love getting your hair washed in the sink April 2014

April 2014

Hanging out with your BFF Davis May 2014

First Day of Tee Ball May 2014

Post Tonsillectomy Snuggles - May 2014

Pajama Day for the last day of kindergarten- May 2014

First week with our dog Maggie- May 2014

First day of swim practice June 2014



HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY, MILES!


June 24, 2014

All The Things

Dude. You know how I used to be a blogger who regularly updated her blog and posted multiple times a week and all of our life was so neatly documented for posterity and stuff?  Yeah- I totally am not that person anymore.  Laying awake at night and writing posts in my head and never publishing for months on end does not a blogger make.

So I'm finally sitting down to take the time to put fingers to the keyboard and document all the things. 

Let's start with summer break.  It's quite possible that I have told a friend or two that summer break is where happiness goes to die.  This is because I am not a teacher.  I want my kids' teachers to have this summer break so badly!  (I mean, afterall, I get that it is not easy to be a teacher of a Terry kid- what with me constantly emailing articles about attachment and trauma to their teachers and the fact that I might have asked in an IEP meeting if one could take speech therapy for "sounding mean" and I might have used the word bullsh!t in front of God and everyone at a school meeting.)  So darling, sweet, wonderful teachers, take a break.  But oh holy hootch.  Summer is hard. We have some kids in this family who struuuuuuuuuuggle with transitioning and summer is really just one big transition.  We have some kids who really need massive amounts of structure which directly opposes my need for binge watching Breaking Bad on Netflix.  

But summer break is also SO magical for kids.  So I'm being the sacrificial lamb on all things Netflix and letting the kids just do summer break in a way that evolves however it evolves.  (For the record I've had exactly two breakdowns in the 3.5 weeks of the break so I think I'm hanging in there.  I'm averaging one meltdown every 10 days which means I'm due.  Watch out.)  There is the swimming.  Swim team is code for "Mom is trying to wear you out on the daily".  Sadie and Noah have done summer swimming for going on three years.  They LOVE it.  Scarlett wanted to do it SO BADLY.  The girl is all arms and legs that flail about in very strange and disjointed ways but she is rocking that tangle of limbs from one side of the pool to the other and having the best time doing it.  It's been a major confidence builder for her.  And then there is Miles... who would rather  have his dreadlocks yanked out one by one than swim.  But guess what?  Mom made the executive decision that all the kids would be in one same place for at least one hour a day (also see above about the daily wearing out) and so by default, Miles found himself on the swim team.  He nearly drowns at least once a day but surprising he likes it and keeps doing it so I'm chalking this one up to victory.  He swam in his first race last night.  He did so awful and finished in dead last.  His swim across the pool was SO painful to watch that at the end the officials took pity on the poor kid and gave him a blue bracelet just because he had the tenacity to actually finish the race.  He's convinced that blue bracelet means that he won the race and he now feels like his life is made.  This kid tries so hard at everything.  We are so proud of that dead last finish because HE DID NOT GIVE UP! 



 Her diva chromosomes are at least 10 times the legal limit.  Also, those teeth.  That mouth full of holes in my favorite.

And then we went and did this thing... We got a dog.  Yes, we did.  Because clearly, we don't have enough to take care of.  I told the kids' therapist that we were getting a dog and watched her face gloss over in sheer horror.  Never fear- we actually got a therapy dog reject.  A place in our area trains and rescues dogs that they think will make good service dogs.  Most of them end up being too timid to be actual working service dogs and in those instances, they get adopted out.  So we adopted Maggie.  Therapy dog flunky.  And y'all.  The dog is damn near comatose.  Which pretty much makes her the very best dog that has ever lived. Once upon a time she lived her whole life in a kennel making babies for a breeder before she was rescued. (And she has the National Geographic nipples to prove it) Now, she just sits on the floor with her little paws crossed all the time and just soaks up love.  Except for that one time our sweet neighbor watched her while we were out of town and she pooped all over herself and strategically snuck into each child's room and shredded exactly one pair of each of their undies.  Except for that, she's pretty much the most perfect dog ever. I intended for this dog to really help our girls with their terrible anxiety.  But since summer break pretty much makes me feel like I need a permanent Xanax drip, the dog is actually working wonders for my anxiety as well.  


Maggie- the comatose Aussie-Doodle

 For Maggie's first trick, she will make her body disappear.  Sadie is MADLY in love.  

This is our first summer in our new house.  For nearly a year, we have lived here with a solid two acres of mud for a yard.  Which is super fun for about a minute and then you just desire to have a place to run that doesn't end up in a floor mopping marathon. Kamron has spent about a billion hours working on our mud pile and trying to turn it into a back yard.  When we built our house, there was so much rock in the ground that had to be dug out to pour the foundation.  We tried to have someone cart off all the rock and they all wanted nothing short of a fortune to do it.  So we put our heads together and decided to use all those rocks to build stuff instead.  We have spent the better part of MONTHS building sidewalks and firepits out of all of those rocks.  Since neither one of us are handy in any way, shape or form, it was kind of fun to do this together.  Early in our marriage we decided that our motto for repairs was going to be "Call your dad or write a check to the repair man."  This has saved us many a marital spat.  Doing this together was actually cool since we rarely do projects together.  My type B and Kamron's type A normally don't mesh.  Rock hauling was the great equalizer.  

We started with this.  

And turned it in to this!



Kamron and Papaw Gary were doing a little Father's Day baseball game.  See that rock embankment behind them?  We used all of our leftover rocks and pressed them into the hill to help with erosion.  I planted creeping phlox intermittently between them all and I can't wait until it spreads and blooms!

But still the very best part of living here is our neighbors.  There is always someone to ride a bike or play in the rain with.


In totally unrelated news, I shaved our cat.  As you can see, she is super happy about it.  There was enough hair to build a second cat.  Which I did.  Just kidding.

I am a worrier by nature.  I get it from my dad.  He worries about all things great and small and one would think that since he worries enough about things for the both of us and I wouldn't need to worry.  But alas, it's like a generational curse.  So as we approach almost a year with Scarlett in our home (seriously- a YEAR.  What?!) all of my thoughts amp up.  Is she doing okay?  Are we meeting her needs?  Is there enough therapy in all the world?  And I go back and forth between thinking, "OH MY GOSH!  I AM THE BEST MOTHER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. BRING ME ALL THE TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN" and "GOOD LORD!  THIS IS PURE INSANITY.  THESE CHILDREN WOULD PROBABLY TURN OUT BETTER BEING RAISED BY A PACK OF WILD LIONS!"  Sometimes I think those thoughts simultaneously. Such is motherhood, right?  So we just keep on keeping on and remind ourselves that there is no magic pill for time in the game.  And we wake up and we do it all over the next day and we find the small victories and we chose against the wild lions on the rough days.  Life is not easy. Adoption is not easy.  But as not easy as it is for me, it is so much less easy FOR OUR KIDS.  I try to remember that daily.  And I try to remember that when you cross out your name that is embossed in beautiful silver letters on your brand new and very expensive Bible that was gifted to a certain person on her court date and write "BLOOM" all over it in permanent marker because you want your name to be Bloom like a freaking hippy... that this too shall pass.  Capture the good.  Like learning how to ride a bike for the first time without training wheels while your big sister holds you up.  That was a good day. 


Or the day you finished first grade reading like a champ.  That's a good day.

Or the day you get your hair braided by our favorite braider and she washes your hair in the front yard with the water hose in front of a chicken audience.  That's a good day.  For mom.  Because I find chicken audiences to be freaking HILARIOUS.

I have decided that I can never let my kids go to college.   Sadie went to camp for an entire week.  She's been to camp before but never more than two nights.  A week was just soooooo long.  I'll akin taking care of my little three to how Michelle Duggar must feel now that all the older kids are getting married and aren't there to help.  I didn't realize how much peace Sadie made in this house until it was gone.  

Upon arriving home and talking about everything that had gone on during the last week she let out a big sigh and said, "There's nothing like a week of camp to make you realize how much you need your parents."  She's a wise one, that Sadie girl.  I give her exactly 6 months of sweetness left before tween hormones kidnap her for the next however many years.  I'm trying to soak it in. 


She also made a big chop and donated her hair right before school let out. 

Miles lost his first tooth! He had to have surgery to get his tonsils taken out and a fourth set of ear tubes put in.  Poor kid had lost 50% hearing in one of his ears.  We have yet to do the follow up appointment to see if he needs a hearing aid but I think he can hear quite a bit better, so we are keeping our fingers crossed.  Healing from the tonsillectomy was brutal and I am so glad that it is behind us!



I'm trying so hard to carve out down time and just have time at home, hanging out with our dog and playing endless games of UNO and sipping wine on the deck while we watch the deer in the backyard.  In my mind, that's what summer is all about.  Those articles floating around about not catering to your kids all summer really resonate with me.  My hope is to spend less time organizing things for them to do and letting them just explore and play and recharge for the next school year.  While it's started off unbelievably busy, I'm planning on the second half of summer being calm and full of time to get bored.  I would give my right arm to be bored, so that's what I'm striving for.  Complete and utter boredom.  

Here's to summer.  (And a few more random pics so that when I'm old and gray and I've never taken the time to print them off my computer, they will still be somewhere!)





















  

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