March 08, 2010

Are you there God? It's me, Megan.

I am smack in the middle of one big crisis of faith. Going through the adoption process strengthened my faith in ways that I never imagined. Just being on the path that God had for our family made me feel like I was riding one big spiritual wave. But since I saw the things I saw in Congo, I'll admit, I've been pretty mad at God. Okay- I've been a lot made at God. As in- I can't open my Bible and I can't pay attention at church and when I pray I just fill up with rage and I'd be lying if I hadn't said some things to God lately that have probably hurt his feelings. I am a deeply "feeling" person, and I know the things I've said to God would have crushed me. So how does God feel about the things I've hurled his way? I hate to put words in his mouth because he's God and all, but I imagine it feels like how I'd feel if one of my kids told me they hated me. Only magnify that infinitely. Because I know that God loves me infinitely more than the intense love I have for my kids. And then multiply that by- oh, 6 billion children or so.

You see, I know that God does not cause suffering. I KNOW this to the very core of my being. So I don't understand why I am so angry with him. I went to the Congo knowing it was going to be bad. I knew there were people dying there. I knew that there were children starving there. I knew that people there were desperate and suffering beyond anything my privileged American self could comprehend. But seeing it...seeing it broke something in me. Seeing it made me question almost everything I know. It goes back to the age old question of "why do bad things happen to good people?" But it is more than that. You see, I know that bad things happen to good people all the time. And I know that God works through those situations. I've seen it happen. But I just don't get how he can let it happen to an entire nation. Or an entire continent, for that matter. Thus, the crisis of faith.

I've talked to God- or more accurately I should say that I've yelled at him about this. I just don't get why God doesn't "do" something about it. I don't get the "why". Why so many helpless children have to die. Why so many people have to be in despair. I looked at those girls dying in the orphanage and I get mad at God, because I see that he so easily could have done something about it. I get that we are here on Earth to be his hands and feet. But there we were being his hands and feet at that exact place and time and those girls were still going to die! I don't get it. Surely, God in his infinite wisdom, has a plan for all of that, but it is eating at me that he hasn't shared it with me. How selfish of me. I know that He is calling others to do things about the suffering in the world and they are ignoring him. What is your excuse? Money? Inconvenience? Selfishness? Ignorance?

I have known all along that our journey to Miles is just a tiny part of the big picture for how the Congo will impact the rest of my life. I know that God has broken my heart for this place for a reason. I know that he revealed to me that Miles was out there waiting for us, so that the rest of this journey could begin. But now that Miles is home I have no idea what to do. We are here living our happy lives, while the suffering continues.

I've asked God, "Now what" and "Why" a hundred times in the last few weeks. Nothing. I know that he is giving me time to enjoy my precious little Congolese miracle, but it would be nice for him to say, "Okay Megan, I am going to give you 6 months to breath. Then I want you to do x,y and z." I know that x,y, and z are out there, waiting for me to do them, I just wish I knew what they were. I have often heard that sometimes God doesn't show you the next step, until you've taken the first step. Well... we took that first step. Now what? My brain is swimming with ideas but there is no direction and I am getting tired of waiting. The only thing I do know is that we are not supposed to go and live in Congo. I know this because Kamron said, "No absolutely not, Megan. Put that idea out of your mind right this minute!" So- I feel like if that was part of it, then God would have called us both, since we are kind of a packaged deal. (Did anyone else just hear my Mom and Dad breath a big ol' sigh of relief?)

So I guess I'll keep waiting. And trying not to be so mad at God. I'll try not to hold him responsible for the suffering. I'll try not to put the list of dying people on my list of grievances against him. I know those losses hurt him. Those are his children. I guess I should also add to my list that he'll take the anger out of my heart. And maybe, just maybe, I should also pray for...patience.

"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it, but I'm afraid God would ask me the same question."
-Anonymous


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