August 25, 2010

News of the Weird

I'll just start out by saying that I can not burp.  Not that I don't burp, but that I can't burp. I've never been able to.  It is a curse of epic proportions.  Obviously the burping gene just skipped right over me because my mother used to be able to burp nearly the whole alphabet. (Sorry Mom!)

Because of this crazy non-belching phenomenon I've got going on in this ol' body, I've been known to have some killer heartburn.  I mean B.A.D. heartburn.  I've had an ulcer from it.  Once I even got the hiccups for three straight days from bad indigestion.  It happened when Kamron and I were first dating and he offered to take me to the emergency room for my hiccups and I thought he just dripped with cuteness.

Usually I just take the indigestion, chug a little Maalox and roll with it.  But the other day, I got it really bad.  I chugged the Maalox and it just kept getting worse and worse.  Then it started coming in waves and getting unbearable. I couldn't stand up or talk through the pain.  All of a sudden a thought popped into my head- "Oh dear God! I'm in labor. How did I not know I was pregnant".  I swear, I thought I was having contractions.  Then I got ticked at myself for thinking that drinking champagne for breakfast in New York City was a good idea while I was evidently preggers.

Miles was sleeping and I was in such pain that I sent Sadie and Noah two doors down the street to play at the neighbors.  I sat down on the couch and just flat out went into panic mode thinking about how in the hell I was going to give birth to a baby in my living room.

I have watched those ridiculous shows on TLC about the wack-a-doo women who go in the bathroom and sit down and a baby falls out into the toilet and they're all like, "Hey! Wait! Where did this baby come from?  I had no idea I was pregnant!"  I have made fun of these people to no end.  Because really- who doesn't realize that they are nine months pregnant? My mom is a labor and delivery nurse and from her horror stories- I just figured that the women on the shows like this are completely mental and delusional.  Flash forward to the other day when I was on the couch in agony and thinking I was in the throws of labor.  I was repenting for ever making fun of those redonkulous women, because I was just convinced I was going to join their ranks in a matter of moments. 

I started to break out into a sweat and wondered if I ought to call my mom to come and deliver my baby.  For some dumb reason, it never occurred to me that maybe I should call my husband and tell him that all of a sudden I was with child and that said child was about to make it's grand entrance.  I am pretty sure that little tidbit would have freaked him all the way out.  That, or he would have called the mental institution and made arrangements to have me committed.  I decided to just sit there and try to belly breath through the pain.  Then I started wondering if I should try to get some towels and boil some water.  Then I started wondering what I would actually do with the boiling water once I got it boiled.  Why in the world do people boil water on TV when they are getting ready to have a baby???

The pain was still getting worse.   I thought I was going to split in two and an alien was going to pop out of me. The pain was starting to make me feel like I needed to moan.  Finally- I'm embarrassed to say, I moaned.  And it helped a little.  So I moaned again and when I did.... BURP!  Hallelujah!  God finally decided that just this once for kicks and giggles he would give me the ability to burp.  It was maybe one of the most heavenly feelings I've ever had.  All of sudden, that baby I was convinced I was getting ready to shoot out into the world no longer existed. And just like that- it was over.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief (can I get and AMEN!) and turned on the TV and waited for my kids to come home.

Just FYI- if you have the ability to let a belch rip, take a minute and thank your lucky stars!  You have no idea how desperately jealous of you I am!

Now- go forth and make fun of me.  I know you want to.

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