October 21, 2010

On Marriage

I have several friends going through divorces right now.  They are in pain.  They are hurting/angry/grieving/relieved/depressed/scared/questioning/hopeful.  You name it- they've felt the emotion.  The good, bad and the ugly.

When I started this blog a little over a year ago, I promised my husband two things: 1) I wouldn't talk about our marriage and 2) I wouldn't talk about "doin' the dirty".

You know that I struggle on a daily basis as a mother.  But last night after talking with a friend who is getting divorced, I realized that by not ever writing anything about my marriage, it paints the picture that we have the world's most freaking happy marriage.  In an effort to keep it real here, I'll just say- NOPE.  That is a big, fat lie by omission.  We love each other ( a whole lot) but we bug the crap out of each other on a very regular basis.  We have the same fights over and over and over again.  We don't always communicate well.  For example, when I ask hubby, "Can you help me clean the house before the company gets here?"  and 15 minutes later he is still watching football, he doesn't realize that I mean help me NOW!  Or when he asks, "Can you get deodorant for me the next time you go to the store" and then he continues to tell me every five minutes that he is out of deodorant, I just want to scream, "I GET IT!  I'll get you some freaking deodorant.  Stop telling me!  I'm not stupid!"  There are times when every time he opens his mouth, I want to rip his lips off.  And I know he sometimes thinks the same thing about me, although he's too much of a gentleman to actually admit that.  Yep- he's a lot nicer than me.

We are very much opposites.  So opposite in fact, that Kamron will tell you that he thinks we are exactly the same.  Whatev.

The truth is, we are just exactly like every other couple I know.  Marriage is hard.  Really hard.  Being married while raising kids with special needs- Oh holy crap- it's tough.   In the days before the antidepressants kicked in and I thought I'd rather stick my hands in the garbage disposal than keep going the way I was going, I found myself on more than one occasion thinking, "If I got divorced, I could have every other weekend utterly and blissfully alone."  That is in no way intended to make light of divorce. I was just really worn down. 

Being worn down does a number on a marriage.  It makes everything come to a head.  By the time I spent all day every day dealing with the kids, there was nothing left of me to give to a marriage.  And I am no picnic to be around all the time.  I'm opinionated, independent and random. 

All this to say, that we are the same as every other married couple.  We ride the peaks and valleys.  Sometimes were not on the same page (or even reading the same book) and sometimes life is super good.  This week, things are super good, but next week- who knows.  Life happens.  What I am learning (and it may take me another 50 years of marriage to perfect) is that my attitude and willingness to compromise make all the difference.  That is humbling because I HATE to compromise.  Me no likey to give up control.  But I'm working on it.  I think that's the key, keep working on yourself.  Keep mama happy and things tend to run more smoothly.   Except sometimes, keeping mama happy isn't always possible in the situation you are in and you have to get out. For my friends going through some tough stuff in the marital trenches,  I'm sorry.  I love you.  I value you.  YOU are special- even if you don't feel like it.   

I'm not sure how to wrap this one up except to say- we're normal.  We're more Everybody Loves Raymond than Leave it to Beaver,  and I'm okay with that.  I just wanted to keep it real, because until last night, I didn't realize that I gave off the impression that our marriage shoots unicorns out it's butt.  If nothing else in life, I try to always shoot it straight.  Now, I think I need to go tell my husband that I love him tremendously and thank him for putting up with me and my crazy.  Hopefully, he won't remind me that he needs deodorant.

P.S. I really did just google "unicorns coming out the butt" to try to find a picture for this post.  Wow- weird things come up.  This post is remaining pictureless.  You can thank me later. 


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