October 06, 2010

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

One of these days I am going to figure out how to pull one over on myself.  I'll keep practicing lying to myself until I figure out how to do that.  Here's a few slants (read bold faced lies!) on things I tell myself to keep me feelin' good!
  • LIE:  Kids need a whole lotta sleep to be healthy.  That's why when they are cranky I put them to bed an hour and a half earlier than normal- for their health TRUTH:  I'm sending them to bed at 7pm because I'm done for the day (stick a fork in me, I'm done!) and if they want to live to see another day they better go to sleep! Now!
  • LIE:  Almonds are good for you.  TRUTH: Not if they are drenched in chocolate
  • LIE:  I will get to the bottom of the laundry pile today. TRUTH:  Everyone will be wearing dirty clothes tomorrow.
  • LIE:  My winter clothes all shrunk in the closet over the summer.  TRUTH:  I'm just sticking to the lie.
  • LIE:  I will vow to do some of my Bible Study homework each day- the way it is intended to be done.  TRUTH:  I will wait until the last possible night and do all of it at once and pretend like I kept up with it properly.
  • LIE:  Pizza is a balanced meal.  TRUTH:  a) sausage serves no nutritional benefit and b) pizza is not balanced when you eat it 3 nights a week.
  • LIE: I let my children cry it out because it's good for children to cry.  It exercises their lungs.  TRUTH:  I run away from crying children because crying kids make me want to stick my feet in the garbage disposal.
  • LIE:  All of the cracker/cereal/goldfish crumbs in my car would be necessary for survival if I was ever in a wreck and stranded for days.  TRUTH:  The Health Department would shut down the minivan in a heartbeat.  I may have to get a hazmat suit to clean it out.
  • LIE:  If I just wait long enough, the husband/children/dog will scrub the toilets, make the dinner and run the vacuum.  TRUTH:  I do not live in an alternate universe where this scenario would ever be plausible.
  • LIE:  Candy corn and pop corn can be considered vegetables since they are in the corn family.  TRUTH:  My mother says even corn is not a vegetable it is a starch- so I strike out on all fronts.
  • LIE:  Said to me more times than I can count- "Oh you must be so happy and having so much fun since Miles has been home.  TRUTH:  Do you consider scrubbing poop out of an afro fun?  I could make a case for being happy.  But having fun- not so much,
  • LIE:  Underwear can be considered clean if you wear it inside out and use a panty liner.  TRUTH:  Not really- but I'll keep pretending.  (Have you sensed that I have real issues with the laundry?)
  • LIE:  If I just don't take the medical bills out of the envelopes then I don't have to pay them.  TRUTH: You will totally get sent to collections for this.  Not that I would know or anything...
  • LIE:  A new pair of boots will solve all your problems.  TRUTH:  No- but I still want some new boots, dag nab it! 
  • LIE:  As long as I have my family around me, life is so good.  TRUTH:  I would maybe kill baby kittens and kick puppy dogs for a break right now!
  • LIE:  If no one sees me eat a whole box of cookies, the calories don't really count.  TRUTH:  this will only lead me to the afore mentioned lie about how my clothes magically shrink in the closet.
  • LIE: I can achieve my goal of world domination within a year.  TRUTH:  This may take two years- but by golly- I'm gonna do it!
Have you told yourself any humdingers lately?    

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