- LIE: Kids need a whole lotta sleep to be healthy. That's why when they are cranky I put them to bed an hour and a half earlier than normal- for their health. TRUTH: I'm sending them to bed at 7pm because I'm done for the day (stick a fork in me, I'm done!) and if they want to live to see another day they better go to sleep! Now!
- LIE: Almonds are good for you. TRUTH: Not if they are drenched in chocolate
- LIE: I will get to the bottom of the laundry pile today. TRUTH: Everyone will be wearing dirty clothes tomorrow.
- LIE: My winter clothes all shrunk in the closet over the summer. TRUTH: I'm just sticking to the lie.
- LIE: I will vow to do some of my Bible Study homework each day- the way it is intended to be done. TRUTH: I will wait until the last possible night and do all of it at once and pretend like I kept up with it properly.
- LIE: Pizza is a balanced meal. TRUTH: a) sausage serves no nutritional benefit and b) pizza is not balanced when you eat it 3 nights a week.
- LIE: I let my children cry it out because it's good for children to cry. It exercises their lungs. TRUTH: I run away from crying children because crying kids make me want to stick my feet in the garbage disposal.
- LIE: All of the cracker/cereal/goldfish crumbs in my car would be necessary for survival if I was ever in a wreck and stranded for days. TRUTH: The Health Department would shut down the minivan in a heartbeat. I may have to get a hazmat suit to clean it out.
- LIE: If I just wait long enough, the husband/children/dog will scrub the toilets, make the dinner and run the vacuum. TRUTH: I do not live in an alternate universe where this scenario would ever be plausible.
- LIE: Candy corn and pop corn can be considered vegetables since they are in the corn family. TRUTH: My mother says even corn is not a vegetable it is a starch- so I strike out on all fronts.
- LIE: Said to me more times than I can count- "Oh you must be so happy and having so much fun since Miles has been home. TRUTH: Do you consider scrubbing poop out of an afro fun? I could make a case for being happy. But having fun- not so much,
- LIE: Underwear can be considered clean if you wear it inside out and use a panty liner. TRUTH: Not really- but I'll keep pretending. (Have you sensed that I have real issues with the laundry?)
- LIE: If I just don't take the medical bills out of the envelopes then I don't have to pay them. TRUTH: You will totally get sent to collections for this. Not that I would know or anything...
- LIE: A new pair of boots will solve all your problems. TRUTH: No- but I still want some new boots, dag nab it!
- LIE: As long as I have my family around me, life is so good. TRUTH: I would maybe kill baby kittens and kick puppy dogs for a break right now!
- LIE: If no one sees me eat a whole box of cookies, the calories don't really count. TRUTH: this will only lead me to the afore mentioned lie about how my clothes magically shrink in the closet.
- LIE: I can achieve my goal of world domination within a year. TRUTH: This may take two years- but by golly- I'm gonna do it!
Have you told yourself any humdingers lately?
