December 09, 2010

My Wallet Can Kiss My Butt

Today I lost my wallet, and subsequently lost my mind.  The whole thing started last night... 

My mom offered to keep Miles this morning while Noah was at preschool- which meant that I would be CHILDLESS!  I had grand plans of getting my brows waxed, finishing up the Christmas shopping and treating myself to a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit from Micky D's.  I dreamed about that biscuit all night.  I woke up this morning thinking about it.  I gloated to hubby about how good this breakfast was going to be.  I nearly panicked when I opened the fridge this morning and realized that we were out of Diet Pepsi which meant that I would have to go without my caffeine fix.  By the time Sadie's bus comes around at 7:10 am, I'm usually working on my second one.  "Not to worry," I told myself, "You'll be at McDonald's soon and you can get some carbonated caffeine there when you have that biscuit you've been craving!"

I dropped Noah off at school, dropped Miles off at my mother's and pulled my minivan into the drive-thru at McD's.  I placed my order.  I reached over and grabbed my purse, opened it up and shoved my hand inside to pull out my wallet, only my wallet was not in there.  No worries, it probably  just fell out in the car somewhere.  I pulled out of the line and parked and searched through the car.  I dumped my purse out and found 5 containers of hand sanitizer, a mashed up, mangled tampon, a chewed up wad of gum stuck inside a tissue, 3 tubes of chapstick, and the receipts for everything I've purchased in the last century.  BUT NO WALLET!

I texted the bad news to my mother, and drove the thirty minutes back to my house, thinking that surely my wallet was just on the kitchen counter or next to the computer or somewhere in the house.  I walked in the house and started searching.  It took me a solid hour of my alone time, my FREEDOM, to clean the house up enough to even begin searching for my wallet.  It was no where.  I started thinking that maybe it fell out of the car in the driveway and the dog carried it off somewhere.  I gave the dog the Spanish inquisition and traipsed through the backyard landmine full of dog doo looking for the wallet to no avail.

I was about to blow a gasket over this.  There were only so many places it could be.  By the time I'd wasted so much time, I didn't have time to go steal the other debit card from the hubby and get anywhere before I would need to pick up Noah from preschool, so I decided to just go ahead and really try to get the house as clean as I could.  It needed to be done and I couldn't go anywhere else with no money and no id.   I was washing dishes and sweeping floors with huge tears in my eyes.  I mean, here I was- a free woman with no kids and I was cleaning my house!  I had that identity crisis that I think all stay at home moms have every now and then. You know, the one where you freak the freak out about how you've been reduced to a pile of dishes, laundry and endless meals to cook.  The one where you think about how you used to be somebody!  How you have all kinds of skills and talent and here you are spending all day every day changing diapers and packing school lunches.  I looked under each couch cushion, in every coat pocket, in the garbage, in the dirty clothes pile, in every nook and cranny of my house and still no wallet.  I screamed expletives at the top of my lungs until my throat hurt, but my temper tantrum did not cause my wallet to materialize. 

It never fails that when you are feeling crummy, the phone will ring off the hook.  While I lamented how ticked off I was about losing my wallet to every person on the other end, I was told one too many times, "Well, it's always the last place you look!"  DUH!!!  Of course it will be in last place I look.  Once I find it I'm not going to keep looking!

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this, other than to say that I had a craptacular day- one where I lost my identity, then questioned my identity, and then nearly passed out when I got the call from hubby where he said that he found my wallet in his car.  After all day of cleaning and freaking out, it was hiding in his car the whole time.  Imagine that.  Ugh.

In the words of Scarlett O'Hara- "Tomorrow is another day."  Thank God. I think I'll wake up early and go get that stupid biscuit and put that craving to rest!  It will be my ultimate redemption.  What can I say- I'm easily pleased by sausage.
This wallet is now on my naughty list.


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