December 31, 2010

Sayonara 2010

New Year's Eve has never been a very big deal to me.  In fact, most of the time I've tucked myself into bed well before midnight on the big day and my poor husband has to watch the ball drop all alone.  I wonder if he kisses himself too?  Hmmm... maybe I should ask.  Actually, maybe I won't ask, because usually on New Year's Eve he's rocking it out in a bar with his band, so he better not be doing any kissing!

But this year is very different.  I feel so hopeful for 2011 to start.  2010 was a year full of so many transitions.  And now in 2011, I feel like we are all ready to start living again.  I can't even tell you how much better Miles is doing.  Christmas was amazing with him.  He only did the Wango Tango for a day, in contrast with the Thanksgiving fallout which lasted an entire week.  Kamron has been off this week and Miles has been coming and crawling in bed with us in the mornings and kissing and hugging and just being a kid.  Not a kid on hyper alert, or a kid manipulating, but just a kid playing with his mom and dad.  I can't tell you how good it feels.  I know that right now we are riding the mountain top.  I also know that the nature of parenting trauma and attachment disorder means we will be in the valley again.  But I am noticing that when we're in the valley, we don't stay there as long as we used to and we don't go as deep into the valley as we used to either.  I never thought we'd get here.

As he's let go of some of the hyper awareness, other skills are starting to pop out.  Therapists and doctors are continuing to age our little man and he's now suspected to be between 3 and 3 1/2.  (a full 2 years older than we thought he was when we brought him home 10 months ago.)  But we are finally in a place where we can not only function, but we can THRIVE!  So as 2011 approaches, I can't help but be insanely optimistic at all of the promise a new year holds.

I'm also crossing things off of my goal list! We adopted another kid yesterday.  Just kidding!  But I did organize the cabinets!  I threw out two garbage bags worth of expired food out of our cabinets.  A tear trickled down my cheek about the wastefullness of it all, but overall it felt good to purge our cabinets of cream of chicken soup that expired 3 years ago and cereal so stale you could load it in a gun and use it as bullets.

I also started the couch to 5k program.  Holy moly!  It is so fun in a weird way.  It has been a long time since I exercised and my body is really screaming at me in agony, but it is fantastic.  I gifted myself with a few new songs on the ipod, loaded them into my C25K app and it dings when I'm supposed to run and when I'm supposed to walk.  If I can spend $10 on new tunes and the C25K app and it actually makes me want to run, I'm all for it.  My feet were hitting the pavement and my arms were playing the air drums as I jammed through the neighborhood.  If you ever listen to my playlist on here, you'll see that I tend to gravitate toward the mellow.  But when I exercise I need the most obnoxious, raunchy music around to keep me moving.  I'm not sure why, but it's how I roll. 

The hubs and I are going to Hawaii in March sans kids (go ahead, you can be jealous!) and I'd rather not be a ball of flab while I'm on the beach with my hot husband.  So I'm going to keep running.  And quit eating crap.  I'm on day 4 of not eating crap and already I feel so much better.  I've tried just about every diet that there is and can't usually stick to any of them.  So this time, I am trying a better approach.  I'm just trying to be kinder to myself and my body.  I'm trying to honor this one droopy body that I get and treat it as it deserves to be treated.  So far, so good.  I'm tracking what I eat, but not doing any specific plan.  Just being nicer to myself.  The stress of the last year and my lack of motivation to make good choices led to a whopping 30 pound weight gain.  I'm ready to say goodbye to that.

So to 2010:  you've been an adventure.  You've been a big ball of stress.  You brought with you some joyful times, but many times you cloaked those up with trauma and craziness.  I'm not sad to see you go. Your passing marks the beginning of something wonderful.  Adios 2010.  So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodnight.  Don't let the door hit ya' where the good lord split ya'.

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