*My husband just figured out how to text about a month ago. In an effort to try to be really sweet one day, I sent him the following text, "I love you <3" The man does not evidently do emoticons because instead of a heart, he thought I was suggesting to him that there was something happening to my boobs.
*Why in the world are hemorrhoids not called asteroids? From time to time *ahem* this one has baffled me for years.
*Why do my the children always believe me when they beg to go somewhere and I say, "Oh, that place is closed at 2:12 on Mondays, sorry." Or " Oh man! You wore a blue shirt today and they don't allow blue shirts in the bouncy house. Maybe next time." Gullible little suckers, they are.
*Why won't my husband's W-2 get here so that I can file our taxes, get back our own money from the government and pay off these adoption loans? Dude- I'm getting impatient.
*Why do people stand up and sit down so much during the State of the Union Speech? It must be freaking exhausting for all those crotchety old guys.
*Why do I insist on buying expensive organic skim milk when all I'm going to do is pour it over fruit loops laden with artificial flavors and preservatives or mix it with pasteurized processed cheese spread?
*Why will the kids ignore me all day long and then the second the phone rings stick to me like a fish on a wormy hook? (the Kentucky is coming out of me y'all)
*Why do they sell lingerie at Target? Seriously- do they not realize that the bulk of their clientele is 30 something moms with droopy boobs and 2.5 snotty nosed kids that she's dragging around in the cart that keep her so exhausted she probably doesn't even want to do the deed? Oh wait- I think I just solved this mystery. It is a ploy to disgust us so much that we walk across the aisle and pick up another pair of sweatpants.
*Why do little boys (okay and big boys too!) think that they need to have one hand on their penises all the livelong day? When we had boys no one told me that this would happen. They need to put that in the books.
Now I'm so thoroughly baffled I'm in danger of a brain explosion. And let's face it- that would be a bigger mess than I want to deal with.