January 12, 2011

The tiny humans are taking over

I'll just say it.  My children are driving me nuts- each and every single one of them for very different reasons.  Even though there are only three of them, it feels like there are at least 86 children running around here.  It is snow day number seventy eleven for our school district today and I'm about to call God and the superintendent and scream, "Enough Already.  You are KILLING me!!!"

Yesterday started out okay but quicky went south. Sadie had a friend over to keep her company, which usually keeps all the kids occupied all day long.  But not yesterday.  Sadie still complained every 23 seconds that she was bored.  There isn't anything to do.  We never have any good food.  She never gets to have any fun.  Everybody else's mom takes them to the movies and Chuck E. Cheese's on snow days, blah, blah, blah.  At first I ignored it.  Then I got real mature and yelled, "Poor pitiful you!  You got the worst mom ever!  Maybe you can put an ad in the paper and get a new mom who is better than me."  Oh Lord.  I swore I'd never be that passive aggressive make your daughter feel guilty mom and I totally went there.  Next thing you know she'll be 50 and I'll be in a nursing home trying to guilt her into coming to visit.  Perhaps I'll go on and on to her about how bored I am.  About how all the other daughters bring their moms chocolate and come and take them to the movies on Sunday afternoon.  Yep- I can give as good as I get. Oy Vey.

And then there's Miles.  Miles and the mother flippin' snow is enough to drive someone to a mental institution.  The other kids got on all their snow gear and went outside to play for a while.  Miles stared at them out the window and kicked and hit and yelled at me to take him outside.  I was like, "DUDE!  Chill out!  You hate the snow and it's really cold out there."  I tried to remind him what happened the last time he went out in the snow but he could not be reasoned with.  So I put on his snow gear and my snow gear and we walked out the front door.  For about 3 minutes, he was okay. He slid down the hill with the other kids once or twice, then realized he was miserable. Then the screaming started.  He screamed until I brought him in.  He got so discombobulated about being cold for the 300 seconds he was outside that he then screamed for a solid hour and a half.  It was the kind of screaming that you are certain will lead to puking or hyperventilation.  I tried all of our therapy techniques to no avail. I finally tried to regulate him by taking him up to his room and putting him in his pack and play until he could calm down.  It only served to give him enough privacy to strip down naked and do strange things with body fluids.  After that, every single thing that happened yesterday sent the boy into a tailspin and unfortunately I did not have my big girl panties on so I was also in a tailspin.

Which brings me to Noah.  About 70% of the time Noah has a voice so high and loud that only dogs can hear it.   The word of the day yesterday was , "Mooooooooom!" all stretched out into 2 syllables.  "Mom, get me a glass of water!"  "Mom, Miles scratched me!" "Mom, Spongebob is on!"  "Mom, did you know that stegosaurus has plates on his back?!"  "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!!!!"  I had to ask several times that he quit talking, but it didn't work.  We tried playing the quiet game.  That didn't work either.  I tried to offer him money (I know, I'm ashamed) to be quiet and even that didn't work.  I thought about leaving the crazy glue out in plain sight in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he would glue his lips together, but I decided against it.  With my luck, the children would have probably glued me to the floor and stomped on me for the rest of the afternoon.

Then finally it was time for Kamron to get home from work.  Hallelujah!  But really all that meant was that we had to run all over creation taking the rental car back and picking up my van out of the shop and moving car seats and kids back and forth between cars.  Let me see... Since I'm on a roll, I wonder what else I can complain about?  Oh yeah.  Those mentholated breath rite strips that I thought were going to revolutionize my life have now given me a rainbow shaped line of zits across my nose.  And I'm sick of eating healthy food and want someone to give me a giant slice of chocolate cake with a side of lard and preservatives, dammit!

Before bed last night, I got the text alert that school was cancelled again for today.  I may have said a bad word.  A really bad bad word. And my husband may have laughed at me. I'm going to go drown my sorrows with a stout Diet Pepsi.

*Amazingly, all this complaining made me feel a tiny bit better.  Feel free to put your complaints in the comments.  We can commiserate together.*

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