January 29, 2012

How to repel a man

I don't know if you guys are as big of a fanatic about old episodes of Friends as I am, but do you remember the episode when Joey has to get a new roommate and he picks a hot girl name Janine (Elle McPherson) to live with him? 

Joey wanted to date his new live in hottie soooo badly, but the rest of the gang finally made him realize that it was not a good move to date his roommate.  However, he was afraid that his natural charm would seduce Janine anyway and so he asked Chandler (always awkward and unlucky in love) for advice on how to repel women. 

This episode played over and over in my mind over the last few days as I became a man/husband/human repeller.  In case you want to know how to repel a man, this is it...


Do I look good or what?  (And all the peanut gallery screams "or what!")  I have had a God awful cold this weekend.  Not just a little cold.  A really big bad cold that makes you think that all of the fluid in your whole body is going to run right out your nose.  We went to visit the in-laws in St. Louis for the weekend and I spent all 5.5 hours in the car like this.  I've never felt more beautiful in my whole life.  *insert sarcasm here*

Last night, I had to double up and put a plug of tissues up both nostrils.  I lay there in bed with my two nose holes plugged up, my earplugs sticking out of each ear and a tampon where those are supposed to go.  Nothing at all was entering my body. I was sealed up like Fort Knox.  I guess technically something could have gotten in, but come on. If you are laying there with toilet paper shoved where there should be no toilet paper, no one is ever going to want to inquire about the other points of entry.

Ladies, this is how you make certain that your husband will ask you for nothing in the bedroom.  Forget faking the headache.  Forget pretending to be asleep when you are really wide awake.  Just get you some tampons, earplugs, and some wads of TP and start shoving these supplies wherever they will fit.  I can guarantee no one will want to even look at you, much less crawl in bed with you. 

And this, dear friends, is how you repel a man.  You can thank me later for this free advice.  You are welcome.

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