February 09, 2012

Mama Needs A Nap

Sleep.  I love it.  (Who doesn't?!)  However, when I became a mom and had to start sleeping with one eye and one ear open, I began to love good sleep even more.  It is treasured like a precious commodity, but it only comes around rarely.

First of all, I find that there is always work that needs to be done when the kids are in bed- laundry to wash, emails to respond to,  a husband that need attention, and sometimes I just want to sit and veg in front of the TV, blah, blah, blah.  It's often midnight when I get to sleep.  I find that as long as I can get 6.5 hours of sleep in a night, I feel pretty awesome.  Any less than that, and I am a zombie.

Today is one of those zombie days because my 6.5 hours was interrupted at least 6 times that I can remember.  That's kind of a frequent occurrence 'round these parts.  Here's what the night looked like...

The hubs had a gig with his band last night so I was on my own.  I LOVE having the whole bed to myself but HATE being the only responsible adult in the house.  After all, who would protect me if I accidentally let my leg hang off the bed and someone hiding under the bed shot it off?  I always try to calm my fears when he's not home at night by watching TV until I fall asleep.  It was around 11:30 when I nodded off to reruns of Friends.  Then...

Interruption #1...  12:45 am.  I hear a loud noise in the kitchen.  I wake up in a panic.  After I come to my senses, I realize that the sound is a chair being scooted across the kitchen floor.  Robbers don't scoot chairs (I think) so I got our of bed to find Miles trying to rig a ladder up to the kitchen cabinet.  He's mean in the night so he says a curt, "Give me something to eat!"  without adding so much as a please or an 'I'm sorry for waking you from your slumber dear mother'.  I told him it wasn't time to eat and took him upstairs and tucked him back in his bed.  When Miles begins the night with these kind of wanderings, he does it multiple times, so I got a blanket and camped on the couch so that I could intercept him the next time he got a hankering to go night exploring.

Interruption #2... somewhere around 1:30 am...  Husband begins wheeling his amp and clanging around his guitars in the basement.  Oh the joy.  My mind briefly considers divorce and then I rule it out because that would just mean every night by myself and that wouldn't solve a thing.  I also consider burning down every music venue in the region so there would be no gigs.  I decide that this may be something that I could pursue because I imagine jail as being some kind of stripped down vacation where I only wipe my own butt and don't have to cut up any one else's meat.  I chalk this up as one of the greatest middle of the night ideas that I've ever had.

Interruption #3... somewhere around 3:45... Noah begins coughing his head off and I get up to take him a glass of water.  I look over at Sadie sleeping in the other bed in their room and consider giving her lessons to sleep like a lady.  She is spread eagle, no blankets, hair like Medusa, mouth open, snoring like a 500 pound man.  She's going to make a wonderful sleeping partner for some deserving mate one day.  Not.  I return to the couch and notice that somewhere of in the distance beyond the front door it sounds like some stray cats are having wild sex.  *sigh* 

Interruption #4... somewhere around 4:30 am... The night wanderer returns.  I hear his door open.  I hear him stand at the top of the steps for a long time.  I say, "Miles, it's not time to wake up for school yet.  Go get back in your bed and go to sleep."  He shuffles down a few steps.  "What?" he says.  I repeat the whole line.  He shuffles down a few more steps.  "What you say, mommy?"  I repeat the whole line a little louder.  He shuffles down a few more steps.  "What?"  OM freaking G.  I throw off my blanket and stomp over to the steps.  "I SAID GO BACK TO SLEEP!"  He just stands there acting like he has no idea what I'm talking about.  I scoop him up and put him back to bed.  Again.  A string of profanity runs like a chorus through my mind.

Interruption  #5... somewhere around 5:45 am... I shoot up off the couch after a bad dream.  I dreamed that our giant 90 pound dog busted through the basement door and jumped on top of me while I was sleeping on the couch.  I tried to push her off and she grabbed my pants in her mouth and tried to pull them off.  Since dogs can't woo women by ripping their pants off, I assumed she was trying to tell me something, so I got up and she dragged me down the basement stairs to the garage.  And there, right outside the garage was Miles, behind the wheel of my husband's car.  The car was started and rolling backward toward a cliff that doesn't really exist in our backyard.  I woke up just as the car was about to roll over the cliff.  Yep- can you tell that Miles' night wandering scares the crap out of me and haunts me in my sleep?  Not to mention that the boy is TIRED!  I'm hoping that the next million dollar idea that comes to me in the night is a design for a cozy, industrial strength velcro suit that keeps kids securely attached to the bed for a full 8 hours.  I'll bet those would sell like hotcakes.

Interruption #6... somewhere around 6:35... otherwise known as 10  minutes before the alarm goes off...  Miles wanders down the steps again and declares that it is time for school.  More profanity floods my brain.  I turn on the TV for him and decide that I'll just get up and make the lunches for school.

If you pass me on the street today, you may not recognize me.  I look something like this:



I am totally ordering a shirt that says this and wearing it every single day for the rest of my life.

My favorite part of these occurances is that usually the next day, I will mention it to my husband and his response is always, "Really?  I had no idea it was such a rough night for you.  I didn't hear any of it!"  My first question to God when I get to heaven will be, "God?  Why didn't you make men without the ability to have selective hearing?"  Can I get an amen, ladies? 

I am going to a blogging conference in about 2 weeks.  ALL.  ALONE.  Can you guess what part of the trip I'm most looking forward to?  Oh yeah.. hotel room all to myself... I may skip the conference entirely and just sleep the whole weekend!  Now that sounds like a winning plan to me.   


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