April 30, 2012

A mother's guide to procrastination

When I get ready to go out of town alone (which happens about 3 times a year) I freak all the way out.  Don't get me wrong- I look forward to the solitude, but the preparation of leaving the kids for four days?  Not so much. Here's a little bit about how it goes down.

*Shoot out of bed at 4 am in a panic that no one will have clean clothes while I am gone.  Lay back down and realize that I have all day to do laundry and that this will not (hopefully) result in the same situation as last time where I just bought everyone new underwear to put on while I was gone.

*Get kids out of bed at 6:45.  Get one ready and console the other one that is crying uncontrollably about a stomach ache.  Take pity on said child and let her stay home and sleep it off while realizing that this means that I will get less done.

*Get the third kid ready for school and drop him off.

*Come home and realize that I have exactly 90 minutes to get a lot of things done before the wild and crazy boys come home.

*Turn on Facebook.  Get sucked in.  Waste twenty minutes.  Chat with a friend about how odd is it that when one's husband goes out of town that husband does not spend days preparing for his departure, cooking meals in advance, finding babysitters, lining out schedules, cleaning the house or any other such activities.  They just throw some socks in a bag and go.  Get confused wondering if this is at the root of all that is wrong with society or if men are just that much smarter than I am.  Hmmmm...

*Shoot an email to the kids' teachers letting them know that a sitter will be getting them off the bus and apologizing in advance for how wonky their behavior will probably be while I'm away.

*Get the sick kid some water and a barf bucket.

* Start sweating bullets about the presentation that I will be giving while I am out of town.  Open a Word Document to write down talking points.  Stare at blank document.  Stare some more at blank document.  Turn on Pinterest.

*See cute ways to organize the laundry room.

*Remember that there is freakin' laundry to do.  Throw a load on.  Take a load out.  Add it to the growing mountain of clean clothes that make their way into the pile to die.

* Answer the phone.  Say yes to a realtor who wants to set up an appointment for her clients to come and see my house 12 hours after I return from BEING GONE FOR FOUR DAYS.  Wonder what in the world came over me.

*Further prove that I have lost my ever loving mind by just deciding to have an open house 12 hours after coming home since I am going to have to clean the house anyway.  Call and have open house listed.  Add loony bin to my list of possible destinations to visit in the near future.

*Sit back down and stare at blank word document.

*Hear the bus come around and run outside to get one off the bus.

*Get kid a snack, talk about his day and listen to him tell me the daily story about how all he can remember about school is that he ate cereal.  Wonder if those people that spend $6000 a year for Montessori are on to something.

*Type out two lines of notes for the presentation.  See a tiny hand appear on my desk blindly trying to grab for a Dr. Pepper.  No kid in sight- just a rogue hand.  It was very reminiscent of that scene from ET where all you see is that alien hand reaching for the Reese's Pieces.  Made a mental note to put "Watch ET with the kids" on our summer to do list.  Look at the clock and realize that it's time for the third one to be out of preschool.

*Drive to school.  Pick him up.  Come home.  Make lunch.  Clean up lunch.  Try to figure out why the guinea pig has gone all monkey and wants to fling his poop out of his cage.  Mention this phenomenon to the children who spend the next 30 minutes talking about poop.  "What do you think would taste grossest:  Poop or diarrhea?" In case you are wondering, the correct answer according to my boys is diarrhea.

*Sick kid finally gets out of bed and needs some TLC.  Other two get jealous and begin to pout.  Pouting turns into punching.  Put one down for a nap.  Problem solved.

* Say yes when the other two say, "Hey!  Let's all crawl in Mommy's bed together and watch Animal Planet and snuggle!"  Watch two episodes of animal cops finding raccoons and cats stuck in walls and nearly puke when they find a dead sheep corpse in a junkyard.

*Realize that one kid is asleep in the crook of my armpit (put deodorant on shopping list).  And the other one is asleep upstairs.  And the third one is still sick and immobile.

*Instead of using that time to tackle the to do list- I decided that I would blog about the craziness that has been this day as a way to further procrastinate.  Lord help me.  At this rate, they will show up nekkid to school and eat dust bunnies for the duration of my absence. On the plus side, if they eat all the dust bunnies it will be less work that I need to do before the open house on Sunday.

*Now- I really must go and do something productive.  (which is probably code for check Facebook or Twitter or watch a movie with the sick kid)  AHHHHHH!  I need somebody standing over me with a whip to get me motivated.  And no ladies- I do not mean Christian Gray.  Although...


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