May 17, 2012

I Just Don't Get It- Part 379

Hello and welcome to the latest installment of all the things that are baffling me as of late.  Let's just jump right in.

*Cords.  More specifically, the cords that are attached to those little ear bud headphone thingies.  I don't understand how I can put them in the drawer all nice and neat.  Then when I open the door, they are tangled up beyond belief.  I think that they mistake the closing of the drawer as my permission to have wild sex.


My cords after their latest sex-capade. Yes, my drawer is always this messy.  I figured if we were going to be friends, you might as well know the truth. And no- I am NOT making a political statement since the pink ear buds decided to hook up with the blue ones.

* Visitors- when my house is spotless, why is it that no body ever drops by?  Why do people wait until the dishes are a mile high, last night's dinner is still hardening in the pans on the stove, and I'm in my robe at 3pm with  no bra on to knock on the door and say, "I was just in the neighborhood!"?

*Why do I immediately come to mind when people have a laundry crisis?  Are you people trying to tell me that I talk about my laundry ineptitude a little too much?  Yesterday, I got this text message.  I die.  This is seriously my favorite part about constantly airing my own shortcoming in public.  If somehow it makes you feel okay about yours- then I am all for it!


* Smoke alarms.  Why do they always choose the middle of the night to begin the constant chirp that signals their demise?  And why are the chirping ones always in the children's rooms?  Just once, I'd like to see the smoke alarm in the kitchen choose to die in the middle of the day.  I would probably rip it off the ceiling and hug it as a way to thank him for his consideration of our sleep.  Is a thoughtful smoke detector too much to ask for?

* Which brings me to my next baffling thought... Why are batteries so expensive?

* And why is the camera cord always the one that goes missing?  Nevermind- you've seen my cords drawer.  It's a wonder I can ever find anything.

* Why did God not make wives with the ability to predict what they will need 20 minutes ahead of time so that we can let our husband's know in ample time to have the task performed in the time that we need it done.  I find that I can say, "Can you do xyz, please" and then 20 minutes later it gets done. (Can't complain too much because it does get done)  However, I suggest that we evolve to see these things in advance and compensate accordingly.  For example, "Honey, in 20 minutes, one of the children will need to go to the bathroom.  Can you start preparing yourself now so that when they need their butt wiped you are there?"

* Why do I want to buy everything in the "as seen on TV" section at Walgreen's?  Even after a degree in marketing and knowing how advertisers work on my brain, I am still drawn to those dumb gadgets like a dog to it's own vomit.  (Also, why do dogs want to eat their own vomit?  Pure nastiness!) I have no need for a personal face hair trimmer but I have convinced myself that it is necessary to my survival.  Much like the perfect meatloaf pan when I NEVER make meatloaf.  However, I might if I had the pan...  See?  It's a vicious cycle.

* Speaking of cycles...  Why can't you just give your body a pep talk and tell it to just stop the cyclical madness when you decide that you no longer want to have any more children?  I've tried this and no matter how nicely I talk to my uterus, it just does not want to listen to me.  This is one time where mind over matter can kiss my butt.

* Why do I allow WebMD to convince me that death is imminent?  The other day, I used it to look up heel pain and by the end of my research, I had convinced myself that my foot was gangrenous and the whole thing needed to come off.

* Why do my children think I'm dumb enough to fall for their antics, thus always declaring three minutes before bed time, "OOOOOH!  My stomach is killing me!  Can I sleep on the floor in your room?"  Ummm, nice try- but for the three billionth time- YOU ARE FINE!  Also- why haven't they figured out that if they want this to work they need to start their campaign at least an hour before bed?

* Why do I feel pure excitement about the end of the school year one minute and pure dread the next?

* And, as always, how is it that these wild, crazy, loud children can also be awesome, wonderful and so darn cute?  I say all the time that it's a good thing that God made them cute.  No- seriously- sometimes it's detrimental to their survival.  Like when they pee on the kitchen floor and I think that they must have a death wish.  And somehow as they are still shaking the pee off they will immediately say something super cute like, "Mommy, you are the goodest mommy and you make the goodest macaroni and cheese and I love you more than all the other mommies."  Survival instincts.  Thank God they've got 'em.


* And why, oh why, are they so eager to find a significant other?  Kids- you must wait until you are at least 28  to couple off.



* Why do I feel that I MUST end this list right here so that this can be the 15th bullet point therefore making a nice, neat list that is divisible by multiple numbers and how come I can't find some way to channel my neurosis into something useful?  That one will just have to continue to baffle me... If only there were always easy answers :-)  


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