September 04, 2012

Detox Bath Flunkie- Or How I Almost Made Meth in the Bathtub

Because of all my tummy troubles, I went gluten free about 10 days ago.  I read a bunch of places that a good detox would get all the junk out of my body faster so that I'd begin to get the benefit of eating gluten free a bit quicker.  I was all over it.  I was doing really well until...

...I randomly saw a pin on Pinterest for a detox bath.  The pin said, "Detox bath using things you already have in your home!"  I pinned it and decided I'd come back to it later.  The next day, my husband went to a football game.  I was home alone with the kids. That should have been my first indicator that this was not going to go as planned.

It was pouring down rain outside and the kids were on a drawing kick.  They'd been drawing at the table and working puzzles for hours.  I thought, "Now is the time.  Right this very minute.  I'm going to go and do that detox bath while they are being good!"  I found the pin and read the instructions right up to the part where you actually add the ingredients.  It said to allow 30 minutes to sit in there and sweat out the nastiness.  I'm not sure what possessed me to think that the children would give me 30 minutes in the tub but I was convinced I was going to get it.

The instructions said to run the water as hot as you can stand it.  I ran in the bathroom and started the water.  I ran back in to the computer to see what was next.  Epsom salt.  Well crap.  This pin that claimed I would have everything in my house for it was wrong.  There were no Epsom salts in my house.  But I did have table salt and I shook a little in the water. 

Then it said to add peroxide.  Hmmmm... I was sure we had some in the garage.  I turned the water off because one never knows how long a trip to our garage will take.  I found a small bottle of peroxide down there.  It said I needed a quart and I maybe had a pint.  No worries, I thought, "I'll just not use as much water so it's not as diluted!"

I dumped in the peroxide.  Then it said to add essential oils.  I don't know who the people are who decided that these were the things I would have in my house, but they were SO wrong.  No essential oils live here.  (I also don't know why I didn't read the instructions all the way through before taking this on.  Just ask anyone in my family.  I develop the attention span of a goldfish when reading instructions and recipes.  Don't ever eat what I cook from a recipe.  Just sayin'.)

I didn't have essential oils, but I did have vanilla extract in the cabinet.  But I don't like the smell of vanilla.  Suddenly, a light bulb went off.  Vick's Vaporub!  It's medicinal so I thought it sounded detox-y.  Plus, my grandmother-in-law is convinced that a little "Vick's Salve" will cure whatever ails you.  The last time we visited them, she launched into a thirty minute conversation about how our grandfather's toenails were falling off and she put Vick's on them and they were good as new.  You are welcome for that visual.

Vick's it was!  I started the hot water up again and put a huge glob in the running stream.  About 30 seconds later I had a change of heart.  Vick's is greasy.  It would probably clog up my pores and not let the junk come out.  So I tried to fish the blob out of the water.  I got it out and had two hands full of what looked like a mutilated jellyfish.  The garbage was full so I just slogged it into the toilet.  I decided to leave it in there to freak the kids out.

Finally, I was ready to get into my ghetto detox bath.  The instructions said that after a minute or two, you were supposed to start sweating profusely.  I wondered if it would work with all my altered ingredients.  Lo and behold, the sweat started coming.  I wondered if I would sweat more with more water in the tub.  After all, because of my lack of peroxide, I hadn't used much water and the instructions said you should be submerged.  Submerged to me means that you have enough water to make the girls float and nothing on me was floating except my thigh fat.  I filled it up until all the appropriate body parts were floating. 

I was laying there all floaty and sweaty and pretty dang proud of myself for making MY bath work despite not having a single thing in it that was supposed to be in it.  I'm like the MacGyver of detox baths.

About the time I was really getting going and cooking in there like a lobster is when the kids realized that I was missing.  They all ran into the bathroom.  "MOM!  Look at our Cheeto hands!"  What!  Who said you could have Cheetos puffs?!"  Their hands were orange and disgusting.  Before I knew it they had reached into the bath to clean off their hands (I obviously have failed as a mom because good moms teach their kids that licking the cheese dust off your fingers in the best part)  So cheese dust was added to the detox.

I begged them for privacy.  After all, I was tired of trying to cover the things that were floating.  They left.  2 minutes later, they came back in with giant cheeto puffs in their mouths like big orange smiles.  They thought they were hilarious.  Look at us they said!  We are cute, they said!  We want to ruin our moms bath, they said! 

They left again.  Miles returned with toys.  He thought I needed toys for my bath and so he threw them in. 
In case you are wondering, the official Megan Terry detox bath consists of:

table instead of Epsom salt
whatever peroxide you can find
Vick's Vaporub- then take it out promptly
Cheeto Puffs dust

I finally gave up and just got out.  But I did sweat buckets, so I'm considering it a success.  I was telling Kamron about my experience when he got home from the football game.  As I heard myself telling it, it felt like I was describing how to make meth in the bathtub.  I'm no expert, but Vick's seems pretty close to allergy meds, right?  He said, "Megan.  That's how people get in trouble."  I said, "Huh.  What do you mean?"  Him, "I don't know, that just sounds like how people get in trouble."

Can you tell which one of us always plays by the rules?  He's a rule man.  I just want my boobs to float.  I think it's why we work as a couple. 

I think I will get the right ingredients and actually do it the right way sometime- even though my way was probably more fun :-)  

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