DISCLAIMER: If you are here for my usual posts about my cute children, Jesus, or caring for orphans- you may want to skip this one. This is not that post. You have been warned.
Did you ever stop to think that some of the best stories involving toddlers always start out, "This one time, in the bathroom..."
This is one of those.
This one time in the bathroom...
Miles and I were grocery shopping yesterday. We were making our way through the produce section when he started announcing to the whole store that he had to ummm... go. We swerved our enormous car cart toward the bathroom and he skipped in. There were two stalls. One was occupied so we closed ourselves into the other one.
It only took about 2.4 seconds to hear "it" coming from the next stall.
"Ummmmmmmm. Ooooooooooooh." all sing songy and breathy- followed by grunting, tooting and "Ohhhhhhh, GOD!"
It was very hard to tell if the person in the stall next to us was having an orgasm or having difficulty dropping the kids off at the pool.
Miles is incredibly slow in the bathroom. When he sits on the toilet, he prefers to look around, take inventory or his surroundings, rub on the toilet paper, see how many times he can kick his feet before his shoes fall of etc. This time was no different.
The moaning and groaning from our neighbor continued. At times it was euphoric. At other times I felt like the woman probably needed an enema.
I was hoping that if I didn't call attention to it that Miles wouldn't notice.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhh. Oh lordy. Awwwwwwww."
"Mom, what's she doing oba deah?" Miles said loudly. I gave him that look with my eyes that I thought screamed, "SHUT UP! DO NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT PARTITION! DO YOU HEAR ME? SILENCE!!!!!!"
His interpretation of what my look said was, "MOM IS NOT GOING TO ANSWER ME SO I BETTER ASK THE WOMEN NEXT DOOR HERSELF."
"HEY! I'm poopin'" he said. "You poopin'?"
Shoot me now.
No response from the woman. In fact, she just kept groaning like the woman in those old Herbal Essence Shampoo Commercials. I'll admit, I was very curious and I opened Miles' stall and pretended like I needed a paper towel and on my way to the paper towels I peeked in the crack in the stall to see if the woman really was getting busy or having some sort of conniption. (Really, I'm not a perv- if that was happening next to you I'd dare you not to look.) From the tiny sliver or her I saw, I didn't think she was doing anything too crazy.
I walked back in the stall and told Miles to get down to business and wrap it up. He assured me that he was trying and made the appropriate strained facial expressions. Still, it was taking him a long time.
She continued making noise, but her "ahhhhhs" turned into "uhhhhhhhh". I finally deduced that she was not having an orgasm. I then decided she was either about to give birth in the toilet or pass an elephant out of her butt.
Miles continued to try to strike up a conversation while I said things like "leave her alone sweetie" in a voice that sounded more like that girl in the exorcist than the calm voice I ALWAYS use when speaking with my children (insert sarcasm here). It was getting really awkward in there.
"Ummmmmmmm" Heavy breathing. "Oooooooooohhhhhhh." More heavy breathing.
Finally, I told Miles that I didn't care if he was done or not, it was time to go.
He flushed the toilet and started saying to her, "I'm doooooooone. You doooooooone?"
Still no words from her.
I took him to the sink and washed his hands and got him a paper towel. And no lie- the woman busted out singing Amazing Grace. Amazing Freaking Grace. On the toilet. After all that. Or maybe she got the elephant out and she was so glad that God delivered her through it she needed to bust out in praise. I don't know. All I know is that stuff got weird in there and I am definitely watching the news tonight to see if she's on there. The headline will either be, "Woman caught doing the "George Michael's" in the bathroom of grocery" or "First human ever to give birth to an elephant happened today in Louisville, KY!"
I hope that this never happens to you. Or if it does, I hope that you figure out a way to handle it better than I did. Either way, I've devised a flow chart to help you in the off chance you ever find yourself in this situation and you need to figure out what is going on in the stall next to you.
And there you go. You're welcome.