At the same time, we don't live in a perfect world. While we know that she needs two more years of help, we also know that at any moment insurance could suddenly stop paying. With most all residential treatment facilities costing more than $10,000 a month, we may soon find ourselves between a rock and a hard place. This is the reality of mental illness in America.
The pictures from our most recent visit look happy though, no? Bless.
We are flying across the country almost monthly to spend time with her and participate in family therapy. Visits are hard and necessary and heart breaking and PTSD inducing (for me) and exhilarating and cathartic all at the same time. There are many, many Skypes and phone calls and lots and lots of letters. She is doing amazing in her school there which is such a source of pride for all of us. And she's trying her best at therapy. She especially loves equine therapy and helping care for the animals on the campus.
We lived so many years being hypervigilant... monitoring video cameras, keeping everyone in our line of vision at all times, trying to anticipate rages or shutting down triggers. It took a toll on all of us. It took us months to figure out how to relax and be "normal" again, but we are finding our groove. There is a peace permeating my house now. The kids have let down their guards again and it's incredible to watch them be carefree and thriving. At the same time I am struggling with a lot of guilt. It feels a bit like how you feel when you go to a funeral and you talk to someone you haven't seen for a while and have a laugh together. Funerals and laughter don't go together. I almost feel bad for enjoying the peace and calm and happiness. It doesn't feel quite right. While my brain knows that I could not fix this on my own, my heart still feels guilt that I couldn't. It's not logical at all but when your kid is hurting and you can't be the one to put them back together, logic goes out the window. But we are all healing more and more each day.
The other kids are just doing phenomenal right now. We spent so much time and energy on her big emotional needs all the time when she was at home, that many of the other kids' needs went by the wayside. It wasn't intentional- it was survival. It feels so good to be able to be present in what they are doing and give them the attention that they deserve. They have so many cool things going on!
Little lady got braces
him.
Miles had his 4th set of ear tubes put in. His poor ears have always been in terrible shape and his eardrum is severely scarred from multiple surgeries as well as untreated infections when he was a baby in the Congo. We think hearing aids will be in his near future because he loses a bit more hearing each year. We follow up again with the audiologist in a few months. Doesn't phase him a bit. He's just too cool for the rest of the world!
I am having so much fun doing a weekly podcast, with my friend, Rachel, and we've actually had a bit of success with it! More than anything it's been good for me to have something positive to focus on during these months of adjustment. The show is lighthearted and hilarious and we just have a blast together. If you want to listen to the podcast, you can find it on iTunes! I also had a birthday and turned the big 3-6. We celebrated with Cuban food, a baseball game and fireworks at Thunder over Louisville.
This is 36...
This is also 36. So there's that...
Podcasting...
My dad got married last weekend! It was a lovely wedding. He is so incredibly happy with his new wife, Tammy. She is such a positive force in his life. It's just amazing so see him be so happy. Sadie and I were bridesmaids. Kamron was a groomsman. Miles pulled the baby cousins down the the aisle in a wagon and Noah was the ring bearer. It was entirely too much precious for one day. My brother and his family came to town for the wedding. We hadn't seen them in over a year. Spending time with them and watching the cousins all get to be together and play and have fun is one of the highlights of the year for me.
My brother, dad and I about to walk down the aisle!
A hodgepodge of other randomness:
We are all about nighttime snack nutrition... ice cream and tortilla chips. Yikes.
While my brother and his family were in, we got all of my bonus brothers and sisters-in-law together at my mom and David's house for a backyard baseball game. This may be my favorite family picture ever.
We struggle to be serious.
Easter. This may be the only time in years we haven't worn jeans to church.
Mean muggin'
Making cream candy with Granny Sadie over spring break.
They started out hugging. It turns to full on WWE style stuff very quickly.
Kamron took a quick weekend trip with his dad, stepmom and sister to Florida!
The boys have decided that one of their favorite things to do on the weekends is pull out the sofa bed and fall asleep at night watching movies.
My mom. I'm her clone. Except somehow she legit has fewer crows feet than me. I can not figure out how that happened.
Noah's academic team won their regional competition!
I took a trip to Austin and Waco, Texas with Rachel to have some business meetings for our podcast and to attend a conference. We, of course, had to spend some time at Magnolia Market and Silos (of Fixer Upper Fame!)
We've been doing a fun little triple date night with some of our besties. We try really hard to make this happen monthly because it's so good for us and we love these peeps with all of our hearts. When you live in Kentucky date night frequently is code for "bourbon tasting". Also, the men in our life have a thing for plaid.
Curling up with Maggie in the dog bed is one of Noah's favorite activities. Sometimes he falls asleep in there.
Middle school dance. Where did my baby go?!?!?!
Oh snapchat. Thy cuteness overloads me.
Kamron's job has been crazy stressful this year. On one of our trips across the country to see Scarlett he decided to drive across 3 billion states because time in the car on the open road is a good way to destress. (I flew because I don't hate myself) He made a pit stop to the Cadillac graveyard.
We had one night where we played pictionary and I swear to all that is holy, everything my kids drew looked like a hot dog. I must have screamed "IT'S A HOT DOG!" at least 45 times.
The kids asked if we could make a "romantic Valentine's Day" for Daddy. So we set up candles all over the house and ate carryout on a table cloth with fancy glasses. Mission accomplished. Romance all over the place.
I think this different season of life we are finding ourselves in makes me ever more grateful for the people surrounding me.
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